How publishing a book about feelings helped me become a better parent.
Mom Guilt
I felt like I was a bad mom, and it started during COVID.
Homeschooling a 4th grader did not come naturally to me. I spent a lot of my time combing through self-help books and endlessly scrolling the internet searching for some wisdom that would heal this feeling that I was failing my kid.
During this time, I was too impatient, reactive and openly distressed during our daily school routine. I felt like my son did not want to learn from me, and I felt triggered. Our time together was increasingly stressful.
The pressure was building.
Then, I just paused.
One day, I stopped. I stopped the school lessons and with it the panic and the pressure. I imagined myself as a child when I looked into my son’s worried eyes. What would I have thought of myself as a mom? How would I have felt if I was in my son’s shoes? Ultimately, I knew he was not getting the version of me he deserved. With that knowledge came guilt.
I felt so very guilty.
I started to work on myself.
I read books and listened to podcasts where I learned the value in simply recognizing my feelings. As a Generation X kid, I spent so much of my childhood with abundant independence. Social emotional learning was not a part of our school curriculum, and it definitely was not a part of 80’s parenting. Silent Generation and Baby Boomer parents were carrying the weight of their own trauma and pain. They were ill-equipped to cope with kids that may have seemed to need too much. When we expressed anger and sadness, I think it was seen as behavior deserving of avoidance or firm discipline. So, when my son was angry or upset, I didn’t know how to handle it. I was triggered.
I knew I wanted to do different. I knew I wanted to be different.
I wanted to be closer to my son, but first I had to start with myself.
I apologized to my son. I felt a shift.
How are you feeling? became a question I asked myself again and again. I whispered it to my inner child when I felt an anxious ache in my abdomen. Anxiety consumes my nervous system before I know what’s causing it. But, my body sends me the message through pain. An ache in my belly, dull pain behind my eyes, a nagging fatigue are all clues. Now I know that this is when I need to pay attention the most. My body needs to know how I am feeling; it needs to know that is ok to feel scared, angry, afraid. Only when I truly heard what my body was telling me, did I get relief. With relief, came the ability to make change.
I asked my son about his feelings often. I listened to what he had to say. I worked on being open and accepting. I worked on my patience. I wanted him to know, all of his feelings were welcome here. I wanted to be a safe space. I apologized to my son.
A Safe and Cozy Space
I leaned into my creativity, and began my own work. I created kids projects out of cardboard and paint. I started designing games and activities and spent time researching, designing, working. I am a graphic designer, so this is my comfort zone. I was the art director of a book publishing company, so books are my first love.
I was inspired, and it brightened my days and my attitude. I showed up with more optimism. A little book about feelings started to materialize. It was a balm for my anxiety, a safe and cozy space.
I shared my new project with my son, and he gave me his great feedback! He pushed me to improve the illustrations and the message. He was honest and forthcoming. I listened to him. It became something that we talked about together, an open door for us to be closer.
Radical Acceptance
One of the books that I read during this time was Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. With her podcast on repeat, I absorbed her gentle words. She speaks of the “trance of unworthiness”, and how it keeps us from accepting ourselves as we are. She introduced me to the RAIN Technique which is the basis for the structure of my book. Whenever I am feeling stressed or overwhelmed, RAIN almost always calmed my nervous system.
the Trance of Unworthiness
“Sometimes I will find I am in a bad mood and I’ll scrape below the surface and I realize I’m down on myself. Sometimes I feel I’m falling short as a friend or in caring for my aging mother. Or I think I wasn’t as present for a talk as I would’ve liked to be. Sometimes if I know I’ve hurt someone, it can feel very “sticky.” The difference between then (say 15 year ago, although it’s been a gradual shift) and now is there is less lag time. I more quickly recognize that I am caught up in the trance–in the thoughts and beliefs of an unworthy self. The other difference is that I recognize the thoughts and feelings, but I don’t believe them as much. The feelings are there and the thoughts are there, but the sense of who I am beyond the self that I am judging is much more alive and accessible. I know that there is a loving heart, a being here, an awareness that isn’t so identified with the unworthy self. But I still have to find my way back.”
—Tara Brach, from an interview, Breaking the Trance of Unworthiness
Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture.
The RAIN technique is a mindfulness practice designed to help us with difficult emotions and cultivate self-compassion. RAIN is an acronym that stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture. By creating a practice with these prompts, we can transform overwhelming moments.
The first step, Recognize, involves identifying and acknowledging the presence of difficult feelings or thoughts without judgment. Allowing means giving yourself permission to fully experience those emotions rather than suppressing or avoiding them. Investigate encourages a deeper exploration of the feelings, understanding their roots and how they manifest in the body and mind. Finally, Nurture involves offering kindness and compassion to oneself during this process, fostering a sense of acceptance and support.
The RAIN Technique
When you are feeling stressed, take a moment to pause. You can close your eyes, or just stay as you are. Children can be guided through this practice with your help. The flow of my book, is based on these steps. My intent was that parents can have quiet time reading it to their children.
Recognize
Start by noticing and naming the difficult emotion or thought you are experiencing. This can be anxiety, sadness, anger, or any negative feeling. Acknowledging its presence is the first step towards acknowledging your experience.
Allow
Give yourself permission to feel the emotions without trying to push them away or judge them. Allow the feelings to exist, reminding yourself that it’s okay to experience them. Take a few deep breaths to create a sense of space and openness.
Investigate
Gently explore the emotion more deeply. Ask yourself questions like: What triggered this feeling? Where do I feel it in my body? What thoughts accompany this emotion? This step helps you understand the nature of the emotion and any underlying patterns.
Nurture
Finally, offer yourself compassion and kindness. You might say soothing words to yourself. You might visualize a caring presence. Or think of what you would say to a friend in a similar situation. This step is about fostering self-acceptance and giving yourself the support you need.
I practice RAIN all of the time. It is a gentle reminder to be kind to myself and accept the feelings I am having in the moment. It also helps me to watch my feelings rather than respond and react. It has brought me more calm and compassion, and has transformed my parenting.
I will always be working on my parenting and myself.
